It didn't take long for Burnaby residents Joyce Knight and Alice Smith to become friends. They first met in the 1980s, when Joyce's son, Andrew Knight, and Alice's daughter, Linda Smith, were getting married, and the two mothers hit it off right away. One was Scottish, the other English, and they both had a wicked sense of humour and loved to talk about going to dances during the Second World War.
"They were quiet. They weren't loud women. They liked to talk about old times in the country, that's where they connected," Linda said.
But about 10 years ago, Alice started losing things, including her way home. Linda recalls how one day she received a call from a clerk at a grocery store where her mother would shop. Alice forgot how to get home and asked the clerk where she was supposed to go.
"That was the first sign," Linda said. Then, in 2005, Alice fell and broke her hip, but she couldn't remember where the phone was to call someone for help.
"That's when we made the decision that she needed to go live with somebody," Linda said.
After a period in Burnaby Hospital, Alice moved to Fair Haven, a local, nonprofit care home for seniors run by the United Church. And as any good friend would do, Joyce visited Alice and stayed by her side.
"She used to visit mom and sit and read to her, and just be company for her when I could not be there," said Linda. "She would talk about whatever mom wanted to talk about. ... Joyce was a very good listener."
But Joyce suffered from severe depression and, tragically, in 2008 took her own life. Linda and Andrew were devastated. In the first couple of weeks following Joyce's death, Alice would ask where her friend was. Linda told her she had passed away, and Alice asked if she had attended the funeral. Alice said she would have liked to go to the funeral, but she couldn't remember.
"I said, 'Mom, your thoughts and your prayers were with her,' and five minutes later she would say, 'Where's Joyce?'" Linda recalls.
In the wake of Joyce's death, Linda and Andrew started a charity golf tournament to raise money for programs that help people struggling with mental illnesses. Much of the money went to Burnaby Mental Health, the local Fraser Health office that provides support, assessment and treatment for people struggling with mental health problems.
"We wanted the money to go to Burnaby Mental Health to bring awareness to depression," Linda said. "It's such a hard thing to watch, and so many people suffer from it in silence. We wanted the money to bring awareness, and we really wanted to help seniors suffering with depression."
The tournament started small but grew over the years, and Linda regularly visited her mom at Fair Haven. Dementia was taking its toll, and Alice's condition was worsening. By December, 2012, she was closing in on death.
"I didn't want her to pass away at the hospital, I wanted her to be home at Fair Haven," Linda said.
On Christmas Day, the family visited Alice, who was struggling to breathe, while the grandchildren said their goodbyes.
The family returned home, had Christmas dinner together and just finished the dishes when the phone rang. It was quarter to nine, and Linda knew.
"I just picked up the phone, and (someone from Fair Haven) said, 'Linda, I'm so sorry,'" she recalls.
Linda went back to the nursing home. "I held her until they came and got her," she said. "She was a great lady. She was just a little ray of sunshine."
Linda thinks her mom held on as long as she could to avoid interrupting Christmas dinner.
"She used to say that to me, right up until the end, 'I don't want to be a burden. You should be with your kids and your family, not sitting here with me,'" Linda said.
Shortly after Alice passed away, Andrew turned to Linda and suggested they donate the golf tournament proceeds to Fair Haven.
"He knew how good they were to mom," Linda said. "(And) he wanted to do something for my mother."
"You hear all the bad stories about nursing homes, and I just wanted to (say) that there were no horror stories about Fair Haven. The staff loved my mom, and it showed," Linda said. "Although she suffered from dementia, she never lost her sense of humour, and the staff always appreciated that."
This year's tournament raised nearly $5,000, which was presented to Fair Haven on July 24 at a summer ice-cream party with the staff and residents.
Linda said she wanted to share her story with local readers, so people know there's a place that will take care of them and their loved ones if the time comes.
"It's something good coming out of something tragic," she said. "Anything we can do as a family to show appreciation for what they did for our family. ... The nurses really cared about those people. It wasn't just a job to them, they were family."
The 2014 golf tournament is scheduled for June and takes place at a Delta golf course, called Kings Links By the Sea.
To register, email charlie1419@hotmail. com. Linda said the family is always looking for donated prizes and volunteers, as well.
In September, Linda plans to start volunteering at Fair Haven because she misses everyone there.
