Grabbing a lifeline when death arrives

There’s a critical moment in our development as children, when we realize we have one life and that life is finite.
For Burnaby’s Jamie Phillips, that moment came when she was about six years old, when Phillips first heard about death from a friend. She queried her mother, who confirmed it was true, but the realization that her mom would one day die was simply unbearable for the little girl.
“I cried for days,” she says. “I was so afraid. I thought I wouldn’t survive her death.”
For the rest of her life, Phillips braced for the inevitable. She felt like the fabled Dutch boy who saved his country by blocking a leaking dike with his finger, and that feeling never left her.
But on Dec. 11, 2011, the dike burst.
Phillips’ elderly mother, who was like a best friend to her daughter, passed away at 83, after years of living with Parkinson’s disease. The loss hit Phillips hard.
“It was absolutely devastating,” she said. “She was always part of my life. You could tell her everything.”
Phillips, now 64, compared the overwhelming grief to an out-of-body experience. She was exhausted and constantly crying, deeply depressed and on the verge of collapse.
“I almost felt like I wouldn’t be able to contain the grief,” she says. “I was lost and so unbelievably lonely without my mom, like an orphan.”
By chance, Phillips met someone from the Burnaby Hospice Society, who told her about the organization’s free grief counselling. Phillips signed up for one-on-one counselling and eventually joined a support group.
“That was like a lifeline for me,” Phillips says. “This place saved my life. I was lost.”
While every person is different, feelings of shock, disorientation and abandonment are not uncommon, explains Maureen Chute, a grief counsellor with the Burnaby Hospice Society. But the key factor, she adds, is closeness of the relationship with the deceased.
“We grieve for that person very much in the way we loved that person or were attached to that person,” she says.

Whether it’s a lost partner, parent or child, the holidays can be an acute reminder of a painful absence. That’s why the Burnaby Hospice Society is encouraging people to reach out if they need help during the holidays.  
In addition to the ongoing counselling, the society is hosting a public memorial service and fundraiser on Thursday, Nov. 28, from 7 to 8 p.m. at the Ocean View Funeral Home, at 4000 Imperial St. in Burnaby. The 2013 Tree of Lights is a chance for people to gather and remember loved ones and help light up a Christmas tree. People can pledge $5 to have the name of a loved one written on a card and hung on display, as part of the event.  
Phillips is planning to go to the Tree of Lights event this year for the first time.
“I think it helps you carry through your grief, and it honours, it remembers, it puts things in perspective of what is really important,” she says, of the event. “(This time of year) twigs loneliness inside you when everyone’s together. ... It kind of accents that loss for some reason. The holiday tends to do that.”
Phillips also makes sure she honours her mother, by smiling at people she meets and asking them how they are.
“Both my mom and dad loved people and offered them help in any way they could,” she says.
For more information on the Burnaby Hospice Society, go to burnabyhospice.org or call 604-520-5087.

Tips for surviving the holidays

Here’s a short guide to help you to get through the festive crush.
1. Slow down if you need to.
2. Spend time around friends and family who are comfortable with the emotions you may be going through.
3. If you need help, consider the Burnaby Hospice Society’s one-on-one or group counselling sessions; both are free.
4. Try writing a gratitude journal, recording all the things you are grateful for.
5. Spend time outdoors or with nature, for exercise or quiet contemplation.
6. Try attending a public memorial service. The society organizes holiday and seasonal memorials, where people can gather and remember a lost loved one.
7. Join one of the society’s walking groups, which typically meet once a week for a stroll through local parks.
8. If you need urgent help, call the Fraser Health crisis line at 604-951-8855.
9. Plan ahead, keep the celebrations simple.
10. Accept and express your emotions. It’s OK to feel what you feel.
11. Honour lost loved ones. Think about how they would like to be remembered and what they stood for and believed in.