They say the hardest thing in life is making a decision to take a loved one off life support, and for Grace Van Gauthier, she had to face that decision when her eldest son was in a coma.
Shaun, 28, first complained of stomach pains in the fall of 2010, while visiting for Thanksgiving. He was admitted to hospital, and roughly two weeks later was in a coma and at the end of his life with a rare form of cancer – cancer of the blood vessels.
“They said they’ve done everything they could. They could not save him,” Grace says in a small voice, in a booth at a North Road Korean restaurant. “We didn’t want him to suffer.”
But on Oct. 28, 2010, she just couldn’t do it. The mother of three deferred to her husband, who made the call, thinking Shaun would have done it for him, had the situation been reversed.
When Shaun was taken off life support, he took 14 breaths on his own – and just like that, he was gone.
Parents aren’t supposed to bury their children. For Grace, losing Shaun is the most devastating experience she’s ever endured.
“It’s the most painful thing you go through in life,” she says. “You raise your kids to be a person, then something like this happens. It shatters your dreams, your vision, your future.”
While each person grieves differently, parents often find themselves in an emotional wilderness. They feel shock, numbness, overwhelming suffering, complete exhaustion, deep depression, anxiety and anger. The healing process is equally complex. Parents can also feel a profound conviction that the wound must stay open, that the child must never be forgotten.
Three years later, the pain is still very raw and fresh for Grace. When she speaks of Shaun, her eyes glisten, and her voice becomes very tiny and rises an octave. She wears a locket carrying his photos and a shirt emblazoned with his image. She speaks fondly of Shaun, flipping through an album of mementos. He was a good son – tall, handsome, confident and loved by many. He was a fixture in Vancouver’s nightlife scene and had a budding career with Bacardi Canada. His celebration of life was attended by more than 1,500 people, she says.
Grace is now on what she calls a healing journey. She lives with her husband in Cloverdale, but she is starting a Burnaby chapter of The Compassionate Friends, a non-denominational foundation for parents who have lost children. There are chapters around the province, but Grace wanted to start one in Burnaby, because the city is so centrally located among other municipalities. The group is open to anyone wishing to attend.
The first Burnaby meeting will be on tonight, Wednesday, March 19, at 7:30 p.m. in the South Burnaby Church United Hall.
The group will meet once a month, on every third Wednesday. The group doesn’t offer counselling, it’s more a chance for parents to share their stories and listen to others, and know they are not alone.
“There’s no right way or wrong way to deal with this grief,” Grace says.
“You’re not alone in this journey. You’ll never get over it, but you will get through life … and we’re going to continue to honour our children.”
Grace knows the pain of losing Shaun will never go away, but she also talks about the good times, the memories.
“I focus on how he lived and how much joy he brought into our lives,” she says. “The hope is for recovery. We will smile, we will find joy in our lives.
To get involved with The Compassionate Friends call 604-574-0099 or email [email protected]. Go to tcf
canada.net for more information on The Compassionate Friends.
