Skip to content

Ask Lisi: Keep it kind when declining older woman's advances

Advice: You never know what someone else’s story is, and you can’t know what it’s like to be at their life stage.

Dear Lisi: I’m writing you on behalf of a group of guys all in our 20s. We’re all from different countries, now working at a ski resort. We are having the absolute time of our lives. Save for one issue.

Every week, at least one of us gets hit on by a much older woman, on vacation, looking for a one-night stand. When I say much older, I mean, like in their 60s and 70s. We could be their children, even their grandchildren. It’s really disturbing.

We knew this season would be fun, including sex with strangers, because guests come and go. We’ve all met some great women and had lots of fun. We’ve said no many times…. and we’ve said yes, many times. But none of us are interested in senior citizens.

We still have over a month left and we don’t know how to deal with this anymore. Can you help?

Too old for us

Vacation hook-ups. So fun and so much a part of growing up.

I have witnessed older women, in their 60s and 70s, trying to hit on young guys working at resorts, mountain and beach. Some were inebriated, slurring and draped themselves all over some poor kid. It was uncouth and embarrassing. But some were mature and classy, and I’d think “good for them!”

You never know what someone else’s story is, and you can’t know what it’s like to be at their life stage.

You are more than right to politely decline their advances, but do so with respect and kindness. It will be very much appreciated.

Dear Lisi: My girlfriend is beyond self-centred and selfish and I just can’t take it anymore. It’s me, me, me with her all the time. We’ve been together almost a year, and obviously she wasn’t like this from the start. I now realize every single one of our dates was somewhere she wanted to go, something she wanted to do, on the day that suited her best, at her desired time.

I was so enamoured with her when we first met. She was — and still is — very loving and affectionate, fun, and very intelligent. When we’re out for dinner, we have interesting conversation. We go to interesting theatre and cultural events. Her friends are snobby but they’ve accepted me.

Recently, I was sick. Nothing life threatening, just a heavy flu. I live alone and asked if she could get me some medicine and hot soup. She said she couldn’t because she had plans with friends to go to the movies. My parents were away so my sister-in-law helped me out. She was so mad at my girlfriend for leaving me alone and not caring for me, that she opened my eyes to her selfish behaviour. Now it’s all I see.

Can we make it through this? Or are we done?

The Giver

You have to look within because the answer is both yes and no. Ask yourself if you want to work things out with her. It’s been almost a year, which is enough time to know whether you want to take this relationship to the next level or not. If not, this is your easy out.

But if you really like her, perhaps even love her, and want to see where the relationship could go, you’ll need to talk to her. Maybe she’s got walls up and stays at arm’s length for self-protection. Maybe she just doesn’t know how to care for someone else. And maybe she’s never had someone else with whom to share her time, so she’s just been on her own schedule.

Don’t let your sister-in-law’s opinion taint your own until you’ve talked with your girlfriend.

Reader’s Commentary

“Your advice to Lonely (Feb. 3) sounded misogynistic.

“Do you really think it productive for this husband to ask his wife if her triathlon training is a ‘one off?’

“You suggested they work out a schedule which included training time, dog time and relationship time. This is not her problem to solve.”

Lisi — How can my advice sound misogynistic? By definition, that would mean I am strongly prejudiced against women. I am not.

Triathlons are not small races — they are long, involved competitions that require months of training and huge commitment. Lots of people do it once. That’s enough for many. And others compete multiple times a year. So, I actually think it’s acceptable to ask someone about their time commitment expectations.

And whether it’s a one-off or not, if she wants to maintain her relationship, she has to make time for everything, including her dog, her husband and her training.

Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected] or [email protected]