’Tis the season all right.
As a social worker who sees many separated parents in dispute about the care of their children, Christmas time is a busy and conflict laden time of year.
Service is most frequently for help determining the residential schedule over Christmas. The money that was to go for gift giving is shared between the lawyers and myself or my colleagues as we see parents in conflict figure out how the children’s time will be divvied up. Not only are we busy, but so too is the court system as parents file emergency motions seeking the judge to decree a solution.
For most, a judge’s decree or an agreement reached through mediation or collaborative law or lawyer-assisted negotiation will be sufficient. For others, conflict will still erupt on the holiday, very often Christmas Day itself.
I will return to my office after a few days away to listen to find messages with one parent blasting about the other parent, police involvement, need for contempt orders and abject hatred about the untrustworthy other. Rarely, though, do I hear about the impact of these events on the children. That actually comes much later.
Apart from the frequent behavioural, mental health and academic difficulties these children surface with along the way, come adulthood I am visited by these then-adult children with their new partner in tow.
They come because this now-adult child needs help to explain to the new partner why they don’t want to celebrate Christmas or why they don’t want to visit any parents on Christmas.
Anxiety about Christmas still grips them. From their perspective, Christmas is dangerous and hence something to be avoided. This is also seen in intact families where domestic violence or parental alcoholism is a factor, or in families where there is significant parental conflict, and/or abuse or neglect of the children.
Christmas isn’t the Hallmark memory for many. For them, the Christmas season is a frightful and, in view of the positive experiences of others, even a confusing time of year. This year, be mindful that your partner, your friend, your colleague, your neighbour, may not be relying on the same memories as you this season.
If someone feels or looks at odds, please appreciate that their recollections at this time of year may be traumatic. Don’t push, don’t argue. Support and appreciate we have different childhood experiences that colour our view of the season and our reaction to it. Perhaps offer them a good experience.
Be kind. Be gentle. Be understanding. Be accepting. Be generous of spirit. Help build new memories from hence forward.
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW, is a social worker.
